"Cada vez que muero", translated as Every Time I Die, is a groundbreaking 2022 documentary directed by Colombian filmmaker Raúl Vidales. This hybrid feature film weaves together elements of documentary and fiction to create a deeply poignant narrative about the experiences of seven trans women. The film transcends traditional storytelling by presenting a complex meditation on death and life, all through the lens of the transgender community in Colombia. It sheds light on the ever-present shadow of death that looms over the lives of transgender individuals, touching on themes of transfeminicide, social death, exclusion, and the ongoing struggle for acceptance and survival in a hostile society.
At its core, Cada vez que muero uses the medium of cinema as a ritualistic tool for symbolic transformation. The film's structure, a blend of personal testimonies, surreal imagery, and fantastic sequences, invites the audience to consider death from various angles. These include the violence of transfeminicide, the metaphorical death stemming from societal exclusion, and the emotional death tied to personal loss and grief. As the trans women in the film reflect on their lives, they explore not only the literal deaths that have marked their journeys but also the more intangible and symbolic deaths that occur throughout life, such as the resignation to societal norms, the erasure of individual identities, and the relentless process of transformation that accompanies transitioning.
The title itself is a powerful statement, referring to the multiple "deaths" these women experience, both physical and emotional, as they navigate their lives as trans women in a society that often seeks to silence or erase them. The film portrays death not as an end, but as a cyclical process - one of passing, rebirth, and reinvention, much like the mythical phoenix that rises from its ashes. This motif of rebirth is central to the film, as it emphasizes the resilience of the trans women who refuse to be defined by their victimization and instead use their experiences to build a vibrant, enduring sense of self.
Raúl Vidales, a trained psychologist turned filmmaker, developed Cada vez que muero in close collaboration with the members of Red Comunitaria Trans (RCT), a Colombian transfeminist collective founded in 2012. Vidales’ journey into filmmaking began in the early 2010s, and for nearly a decade, he sought to merge his social and political interests with his work in cinema. His project with RCT emerged during the COVID-19 pandemic when the collective's members faced financial hardship and isolation due to the lockdown.
Over the course of the pandemic, Vidales met with the women of RCT twice a week to discuss potential topics for a film, and this led to the creation of Cada vez que muero. The project was not just a top-down filmmaking endeavor. Instead, it was a deeply collaborative process in which the trans women played an active role in shaping the narrative, both creatively and thematically. These women contributed to the production as scriptwriters, art directors, and costume designers, ensuring that their voices and perspectives were not just captured on film but were integral to the storytelling process. The result is a film that reflects the lived experiences of the trans women at its heart, giving their struggles and triumphs a voice within the cinematic medium.
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The film is structured around two intertwining narratives. The first consists of intimate black-and-white footage of the weekly meetings between Vidales and the seven RCT members - Katalina Angel, Sahory Balaguera, Maria Fernanda Cepeda, Alexandra Colmenares, Valeria López, Daniela Maldonado, and Yoko Ruiz. These meetings are raw, unfiltered, and profoundly moving as the women share their personal histories, recounting their struggles with violence, oppression, and the fight for their gender identity. They laugh, cry, and offer each other support as they speak of their painful pasts, from family rejection and police brutality to the constant threat of murder faced by trans women in Colombia. However, alongside these harrowing testimonies, the film also showcases moments of joy, resilience, and solidarity. The women discuss their dreams and the empowerment they find in one another’s company. There is a palpable sense of hope as they envision a future where they can thrive, despite the overwhelming challenges they face.
The second narrative thread consists of eight visually striking sequences, each a standalone tale that is inspired by the testimonies of the women. These fictionalized stories offer a stylized depiction of the struggles and victories the women face in their everyday lives. Filmed in vibrant color and set to immersive music, these scenes capture the emotional intensity of the women's experiences in a way that contrasts with the more subdued, intimate documentary footage. In one particularly striking sequence, Alexandra and Valeria, two of the protagonists, are seen chasing a man, seemingly a member of the police, who has been threatening them with a knife.
The women, dressed in neon-colored outfits with exaggerated, almost monstrous features, drag the man into a room where a group of other trans women awaits. The scene is a charged mix of confrontation, revenge, and defiance. Set to a heavy metal song that denounces the violence against trans women, the sequence culminates in a shocking moment where the women take justice into their own hands - devouring the man as an act of catharsis and power. This sequence, like others in the film, is both provocative and symbolic. It uses extreme imagery and surrealism to comment on the lives of trans women who, after enduring constant violence, exclusion, and rejection, often find themselves pushed to the brink, both physically and emotionally. By flipping the script and offering a fantastical reversal of power, the film provides a cathartic release for the audience, as well as for the women onscreen.
Cada vez que muero is a film that challenges traditional forms of representation. The juxtaposition of intimate documentary footage with bold, colorful fictional scenes creates a dynamic contrast between the gritty realities of trans life and the larger-than-life expressions of resistance and survival. The film's willingness to embrace rough, experimental filmmaking techniques - sometimes using unpolished shots and harsh sound editing - adds to its raw emotional power and sense of urgency. This unconventional approach to filmmaking mirrors the unpredictability of the lives of transgender people, where moments of joy and triumph are often intertwined with grief and despair.
The film’s formal experimentation is more than just an artistic choice; it reflects the complexity of transgender life in Colombia, a country where trans people are constantly at risk, both from societal violence and institutional neglect. By alternating between moments of violence and tenderness, despair and hope, Cada vez que muero resists the temptation to offer easy answers or oversimplified portrayals of trans life. Instead, it presents a layered and nuanced perspective that invites the viewer to consider the multifaceted experiences of trans women in Colombia - an experience defined by survival, defiance, and a continual struggle for self-determination.
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In the context of a society that systematically denies the humanity and rights of transgender individuals, Cada vez que muero serves as a courageous and unapologetic declaration of survival. By giving the women of Red Comunitaria Trans a platform to tell their own stories, the film allows them to reclaim agency over their narratives, portraying their lives in all their complexity and vibrancy. Through their participation in the film, these women defy death - not just the literal deaths they face as victims of violence, but the metaphorical deaths that come from societal erasure and indifference. In doing so, Cada vez que muero provides a powerful testament to their resilience, their strength, and their capacity for rebirth. It is a cinematic act of defiance, one that resists the erasure of transgender lives in a world that seeks to silence them. As the film continues to be screened at festivals across Colombia and beyond, it is clear that Cada vez que muero has found its place as an essential work in the ongoing conversation about LGBTQ+ rights in Latin America. By blending documentary realism with elements of fiction and surrealism, the film presents a compelling, unflinching portrayal of the lives of transgender women in Colombia - a portrayal that celebrates their lives, struggles, and ultimate triumphs over death.
Image credits: YouTube
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