"I Still Believe," directed by Magda Mosiewicz, is a deeply reflective documentary that explores the life and transformation of Ewa Holuszko, a woman whose journey reflects the complex intersection of personal identity, political activism, and the evolving social landscape of post-communist Poland. The film, which spans 40 minutes, delves into Ewa's life through intimate conversations with Anka Grupinska, a renowned journalist and oral historian. It is a poignant portrayal of personal struggle, societal change, and the pursuit of freedom, highlighting how these elements intertwine in the life of one individual.
Ewa Holuszko’s story begins in the midst of Poland's profound societal and political transformations, which coincided with her own personal transformation. Living on the outskirts of Warsaw with three dogs and three cats, Ewa resides in a basement, her house still unfinished due to financial constraints. Her modest life stands in stark contrast to the grand visions she once had for herself, both personally and for the nation she fought to change. Before her sex reassignment surgery, Ewa was known as Marek Holuszko, a man who played an active role in Poland's resistance against Soviet-imposed authoritarian rule.
As Marek, she was a member of the Solidarity movement, which was pivotal in challenging the oppressive regime and seeking a freer, more democratic Poland. Ewa’s political activism during the late 1970s and 1980s was instrumental in shaping the course of the country’s transition from communism to democracy. Her vision for Poland was one of pluralism, equality, and the freedom to express diverse identities. However, amidst her participation in political movements, Ewa never shared her personal battle. As Marek, she harbored the deep, private wish to transition and become the woman she had always felt herself to be. This internal conflict remained hidden even as Marek’s external persona was actively engaged in the public struggle for a better Poland. Her personal aspirations were never voiced within the political sphere, a reflection of the profound societal taboos surrounding gender and sexuality during that time.
The film takes us back to the era of martial law in 1981, when the democratic movement in Poland was brutally suppressed. As the government imposed martial law, activists like Marek were forced to go underground. Tanks roamed the streets, borders were closed, and the country descended into a period of fear and repression. Marek, despite the dangers, continued his work in hiding, organizing underground activities and maintaining communications between Solidarity and other political groups. When he was eventually arrested, he remained steadfast in his commitment, refusing to betray his comrades. Despite the suppression, Marek was not defeated. After spending time in prison, he eventually left Poland and lived in exile. The fall of the Soviet bloc and the subsequent collapse of communism offered a new hope for the nation, and Marek returned to a newly free Poland. However, freedom for Ewa, who had by then begun her gender transition, was not as liberating as she had once imagined.
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At the age of 50, after years of living as Marek, Ewa underwent sex reassignment surgery, finally becoming the woman she had always known herself to be. Her transformation, however, was met with resistance from those around her. Old friends, many of whom had become influential in the political landscape, distanced themselves from Ewa, concerned that her identity would tarnish their own political careers. Her employers found ways to let her go, and her family felt ashamed of her decision. The freedom Ewa had fought for, both politically and personally, now seemed limited by the prejudices and narrow views of her fellow countrymen. Despite these challenges, Ewa remained undeterred. She continued to advocate for the rights of marginalized groups, particularly those fighting for gender and sexual equality. Her experiences serve as a reflection of the broader societal issues faced by the weaker parts of society, especially sexual minorities, who continue to face discrimination and aggression. As the documentary shows, despite the external changes in political systems, the internal struggles for recognition, acceptance, and equality are far from resolved.
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Ewa's personal history is intertwined with the broader history of Poland and the entire region, reflecting the challenges that post-communist societies faced as they navigated the complexities of freedom, diversity, and equality. After decades of being under the thumb of authoritarian regimes, Polish society, still divided between "us" (the people) and "them" (the government), struggled to accept diversity in all its forms. Ethnic, religious, and sexual minorities continued to face hostility, marginalization, and violence, even in the newly democratic Poland. This societal context is crucial in understanding Ewa’s personal journey. The documentary underscores how the newly achieved freedom was often a double-edged sword. For many, it turned out to be a freedom that failed to include those who did not conform to traditional gender norms or other societal expectations. Yet, through Ewa’s story, we see a glimpse of hope. Despite the setbacks and rejections she faced, Ewa’s commitment to justice and equality persists. She continues to believe in the possibility of change, as evidenced by her participation in feminist marches and her ongoing support for LGBTQ+ rights.
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One of the most powerful elements of "I Still Believe" is the relationship between Ewa and Anka Grupinska. As a journalist specializing in oral history, Grupinska brings her expertise in documenting personal histories to the film, capturing the nuances of Ewa’s life through intimate, candid conversations. These conversations become the heart of the film, offering viewers a chance to see Ewa not only as a historical figure but as a real person grappling with both personal and societal transformations. The documentary also features archival photos, some of which were collected by Anka for her book on the history of Polish resistance. These images, which depict the oppressive atmosphere of Poland during martial law - street clashes, police confrontations, and somber cityscapes - are juxtaposed with Ewa’s reflections on that time. While the images capture the bleakness of the era, Ewa speaks about it with nostalgia, remembering the sense of camaraderie and purpose that characterized the resistance. At times, she slips into referring to herself as a man when recounting past events, a subtle reminder of the tension between her former identity and her present one.
"I Still Believe" is not just a personal story; it is a meditation on the broader social and political struggles that continue to shape the world today. The documentary speaks to the ongoing fight for justice and equality, showing that while much has changed in Poland, the journey towards full acceptance of diversity is far from over. Through Ewa’s unwavering belief in the possibility of a better, more inclusive future, the film carries a message of hope and resilience. In the end, Ewa’s journey is not just about a personal transformation, but about the transformation of a society. It is a reminder that the fight for freedom and equality is never fully won - it is a continuous process that requires commitment, courage, and, above all, belief. As Ewa herself says in the documentary: “I still believe.”
The film is a moving and thought-provoking film that captures the intersection of personal identity, historical change, and the ongoing fight for justice. By telling the story of Ewa Holuszko, Magda Mosiewicz not only chronicles one woman's transformation but also reflects on the broader struggles of post-communist Poland. The film serves as a powerful reminder of the importance of diversity, acceptance, and the ongoing pursuit of a better world for all.
Image credits: Vimeo
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