Solange Dekker's lecture titled "A Beauty Queen? But You Are a Boy!" delivered on 18 September 2020 as part of TEDx Talks, is a deeply moving and inspiring personal story about overcoming societal barriers, discrimination, and internal struggles to live authentically. Dekker’s powerful narrative touches on the struggles faced by transgender individuals, and how her perseverance and self-belief allowed her to achieve her childhood dream of becoming a beauty queen, despite the many obstacles in her way.
Dekker begins her talk by reflecting on the common childhood dream many girls have of entering a beauty pageant, wearing beautiful dresses, and being crowned a queen. For her, this was a lifelong dream, one she cherished as long as she could remember. However, she admits that it wasn't until recently that this dream actually became her reality. At the time of the lecture, she was 24 years old, and despite her relatively young age, she had already won several beauty pageant titles. The achievement of being crowned a beauty queen was something that always seemed impossible to her, a fantasy that appeared unattainable for someone like her. Yet, standing on the TEDx stage in a beautiful dress, Dekker is a living testament to the fact that dreams can come true, regardless of the obstacles one faces.
Dekker recalls a specific childhood moment when her mother asked her about her future aspirations. Her first response was to be a famous pop singer, idolizing figures like Britney Spears, Shakira, and Beyoncé. Her mother, however, laughed it off, telling her that she didn't have the voice for it and insisted that she should choose a more "realistic" profession. Not deterred, Dekker then expressed a desire to become an FBI agent, inspired by the glamorous and action-packed world of spies. Once again, her mother dismissed this idea, calling it an unrealistic career choice. Finally, Dekker settled on her true aspiration: to become a beauty queen and a famous model, someone who could wear beautiful dresses and own the stage. It was at this point that her mother looked at her with confusion and disbelief and responded with the question that would haunt her for years: “How can you be a beauty queen when you are a boy?”
Dekker’s identity as a transgender woman was not something that was easily understood or accepted in the world she grew up in. She explains that, while she always knew she was a woman inside, she was born in the body of a boy. Growing up, she struggled to reconcile her gender identity with society’s expectations, and even more so, with her family’s understanding of who she was. As a young child, there were no openly famous transgender role models to look up to, and the lack of representation left her feeling isolated and misunderstood. She knew how she saw herself in the mirror, but she had no reference points to guide her on her journey to becoming the person she was meant to be.
Dekker’s internal turmoil manifested in painful ways. At school, she faced brutal bullying. To simplify matters, she began identifying as a “gay boy” to avoid further confusion. However, this only led to more harassment, physical violence, and emotional distress. At the age of 13 or 14, Dekker found herself completely alone and isolated. She had no support from her family, and no friends to confide in. This led to an extremely dark period in her life where, at the age of 14, she attempted suicide. The depth of her despair is unimaginable, particularly when one considers that she was at an age when her peers were preoccupied with typical adolescent concerns, such as crushes and social events, yet Dekker was contemplating ending her life due to the overwhelming rejection she felt from the world around her.
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Her first suicide attempt was followed by another at the age of 16. Despite the relentless bullying and lack of support, Dekker had a profound moment of self-realization after her second attempt. She recalls climbing out of the water, drenched and exhausted, and suddenly realizing that she had been letting others control her life. This moment marked a turning point for her: she decided that she would not allow her circumstances or the cruelty of others to dictate her worth or happiness. She resolved to live for herself, to find her own happiness, and to prove to herself that she was worthy of success and love. At the age of 17, however, Dekker faced another devastating challenge. Her mother, unable to cope with the emotional toll of caring for her, told Dekker that she had one week to leave the house. This rejection from her own family was heart-wrenching, but it also catalyzed her to take control of her life. Within three days, she packed her belongings and left for the city, determined to make a fresh start and prove to herself that she could succeed.
Moving to the city marked a new chapter in Dekker’s life. She made friends who accepted her for who she was, rather than judging her for her past or the challenges she had faced. These friendships helped to heal some of the wounds caused by years of rejection. However, even in a large, diverse city with many different cultures and opportunities, Dekker soon realized that being a transgender person still carried significant stigma in the professional world. Employers were often unwilling to hire transgender individuals due to misconceptions, biases, and fears about the potential challenges of having a transgender employee.
Despite these barriers, Dekker found an ally in her friend Victoria, a creative director of a beauty pageant, who encouraged her to apply for the Miss Trans Star International 2019 pageant. Dekker, initially unsure of her chances, decided to apply, reasoning that she had nothing to lose. Within a week, she received an email informing her that she had been selected to represent the Netherlands as Miss Netherlands for the pageant. The news was a dream come true for Dekker - she had finally been given the opportunity to become the beauty queen she had always envisioned herself as, and to become a role model for others who had faced similar struggles.
In December of 2019, Dekker traveled to Barcelona for the Miss Trans Star International pageant, where she met many other transgender women from around the world. These women, from 28 different countries, had all experienced similar struggles, and the pageant became a space of mutual understanding and support. Dekker made it to the top 10 in the competition, an achievement she was immensely proud of. Despite having no prior pageant experience, she had managed to shine brightly and prove to herself and others that she was worthy of recognition. The experience of being part of the pageant was deeply emotional for Dekker. She recalls the final day of the competition, when she sat alone, looking at herself in the mirror and crying tears of pride. It was at that moment that she felt she had truly achieved what she had set out to do years earlier: she had become a beauty queen. She thought of her mother, and with tears streaming down her face, she silently told herself, “See, Mom? I did it.”
Dekker’s journey to becoming a beauty queen was not just a personal victory, but also a statement about the importance of acceptance, representation, and equality for transgender people. Through her platform, she aimed to demonstrate that transgender individuals are people too, deserving of the same respect, opportunities, and treatment as anyone else. She stressed that transgender people do not seek special treatment; rather, they simply want to be treated as equals. “We breathe the same, we love the same, we are one,” she emphasized during her speech. Dekker also called upon employers to be more open-minded and willing to engage with transgender individuals, suggesting that a simple conversation could help break down prejudices. Transgender people, she pointed out, have faced immense challenges in their lives, and they possess the resilience and strength to handle professional challenges as well.
In the end, Solange Dekker’s TEDx Talk is an incredibly inspiring story of resilience, self-acceptance, and the power of living authentically. Her journey from a bullied child contemplating suicide to a proud transgender beauty queen is a testament to the importance of perseverance and the pursuit of one’s dreams, no matter the odds. Through her victory in the Miss Trans Star International pageant and her advocacy for transgender rights, Dekker has become not only a beauty queen but also a powerful voice for change in a world that still struggles with acceptance and understanding.
Image credits: YouTube - TEDx Talks
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