"Becoming Colleen: Finding the Shoe that Fits" is a deeply moving 2019 documentary, directed by Ian W. Thomson, that chronicles the life of Colleen, an 85-year-old transgender woman living in the conservative coastal town of Coffs Harbour, located on the mid-north coast of New South Wales. The film captures the intimate and inspiring journey of Colleen, who navigates her transition from male to female later in life, and reveals the complexity of identity, love, loss, and self-expression.
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Born as Colin, Colleen lived much of her life as a man, fulfilling societal roles such as a husband, father, and police officer, while struggling with a part of herself that she could not express. From an early age in New Zealand, she knew she was a girl trapped in a boy's body. However, after the sudden death of her mother, Colin buried this truth, seeking acceptance through suppression. In the face of personal grief and societal pressure, Colin tried to fit into the mold expected of him, marrying Heather and raising two sons. Despite this outwardly conventional life, there was always a quiet, aching desire for something more - a yearning for authenticity. It was only later in life, after many years of repression, that Colin began to open up to Heather about her true self. In the privacy of their home, they would close the curtains and transform their suburban bungalow into a safe space. Under the cover of darkness, Colin would embrace her femininity, becoming Colleen, and the two women would walk the empty streets of Coffs Harbour hand in hand, free for a brief moment to explore a part of themselves that had been long suppressed.
The transition from Colin to Colleen was not without its difficulties and profound losses. One of the most significant and heart-wrenching events in Colleen's life was the tragic death of her eldest son, Stuart. This loss left a permanent scar on Colleen's heart, and it profoundly shaped her journey of self-acceptance. Additionally, in recent years, Colleen experienced the loss of her wife, Heather, to brain cancer - a blow that further deepened her emotional struggles and sense of isolation. Now living alone in the "Lime Tree Retirement Village," Colleen has found solace in the support of two key figures: Denise, Heather's best friend, who lovingly assists Colleen in selecting her daily outfits, and Yvette, a delightful woman who regularly visits to help Colleen with her makeup. These friendships provide Colleen with a sense of comfort and connection as she navigates the challenges of aging and self-expression in a world that often fails to understand or accept her.
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Colleen's story is not only about her gender transition but also about the difficulties that older transgender and LGBTQ+ individuals face. As she grows older, Colleen's physical limitations challenge her desire for independence. This is illustrated through her relationship with Rowena Bianchino, a compassionate social worker who supports Colleen throughout the documentary. Rowena plays an integral role in helping Colleen manage the tension between her desire for autonomy and the reality of her declining health. One of the most difficult moments in the film comes when Colleen’s youngest son, John, steps in to assist with her move into full-time care. Like many older transgender individuals, Colleen fears that she may be forced to live out her final years as a man once more, particularly in a Christian-run nursing home. However, to Colleen's surprise, she is met with unexpected kindness and acceptance from Pippa, the nursing home's director, who offers a more inclusive approach to care than Colleen had anticipated.
Amidst the emotional trials and transitions, there remains one constant in Colleen's life: her love for women’s shoes. For Colleen, shoes represent more than just an accessory - they symbolize freedom, self-expression, and comfort. From childhood, when she crafted a pair of girl’s shoes out of her old gumboots in New Zealand, to her time as a traffic officer, when she would soothe her nerves by slipping into a pair of silver stilettos after a pursuit, shoes have been an enduring source of solace and joy for Colleen. Even during her time working as a film projectionist, Colleen would retreat into the darkness of the booth, wearing her favorite ballet slippers as she watched the feminine allure of movie divas grace the screen. For Colleen, these moments were not only an escape but a way to express a part of herself that the world was often too quick to dismiss. Shoes became her safe haven, her reminder of the woman she truly was, even when society denied her the chance to live as such.
One of Colleen's greatest wishes is to live the remainder of her life with a body that matches her gender identity. To achieve this, she plans to travel to Thailand to undergo gender reassignment surgery - a choice that her doctor, Emanuel Vlahakis, understands and supports. However, he encourages Colleen to consider all available options, aware of the complexities involved in such a life-changing decision. Throughout the documentary, Colleen's journey is a testament to resilience, courage, and the desire for self-actualization. The film offers a poignant and intimate look into the life of a woman who, despite facing tragedy, loss, and societal challenges, continues to seek her true self and live authentically. Colleen’s story is not just about transitioning from male to female but about transcending the limitations imposed by society and finding a space where she can truly be herself.
"Becoming Colleen: Finding the Shoe that Fits" is a moving exploration of gender identity, the passage of time, and the search for self-acceptance. Through Colleen's journey, we witness the struggle and triumph of a woman who spent much of her life hidden in plain sight, finally beginning to step into the woman she was always meant to be. This documentary is a powerful reminder of the importance of understanding, acceptance, and compassion - both from others and, perhaps most importantly, from oneself.
Image credits: YouTube
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