TEDx Talks: Sally Goldner

Show: TEDx Talks
Title: Sitting in My Comfy Trans Chair
Release Year: 2024

On August 22, 2024, Sally Goldner delivered an impactful and deeply reflective TEDx talk titled "Sitting in My Comfy Trans Chair". As a prominent Australian figure in Victoria’s queer community, Goldner used this platform to explore the complex intersections of gender, emotion, bias, empathy, and leadership within both the LGBTQIA+ community and society at large. Through her rich personal experience, and with her background as an educator, speaker, and advocate, Goldner provided a profound commentary on the emotional discomforts that arise in discussions surrounding transgender identity and offered solutions for how to navigate these challenges with greater understanding and empathy.

 

Goldner began her talk by acknowledging the land on which she stood, recognizing it as the traditional land of the Djara and Tangarang peoples. She extended a heartfelt greeting to any Aboriginal, Torres Strait Islander, and First Nations people present in the audience, reiterating a sentiment that “always was, always will be, Aboriginal land.” This gesture not only honored the traditional custodians of the land but also set the tone for a discussion that would consider the emotional terrain of marginalized communities and how these emotions manifest in different contexts. 

 

Sally then pivoted to the theme of discomfort, particularly as it pertains to the conversation about trans identities. She shared that when she was first asked to give this lecture, she found herself questioning the premise of the talk. “What’s so uncomfortable about trans? Nothing,” she reflected, adding, “I still think that way.” However, Goldner quickly acknowledged that this was not the end of the discussion. Instead, she invited the audience to engage with the idea of discomfort more deeply: “Let’s unpack this uncomfortable. Who is uncomfortable? When are they uncomfortable? How and how much? Why are people uncomfortable? And is that discomfort really real?” Through this, she initiated a dialogue not only about the discomfort of others but about how to manage and reflect on the discomfort within oneself. 

 

For Goldner, discomfort is intrinsically tied to feelings, which she described as “valid,” with each individual having the right to experience and express them. However, she made a crucial distinction: “Feelings are not necessarily good, bad, or neutral.” She acknowledged the existence of non-binary and agender people, highlighting that feelings simply “are” – neither inherently positive nor negative, but existing as part of the human experience. Goldner went on to explain that feelings can evolve into strong emotions, which, when left unprocessed or unchecked, may contribute to unconscious bias. These biases can be dangerous, especially when they become unmanageable and result in harm being directed toward individuals or groups without their consent. To address this, she suggested an alternative: “We can choose, rather than to have unmanageable unconscious bias, to aim to be curious, to be open to learning.” This act of curiosity and openness is crucial for transforming uncomfortable emotions into more manageable, compassionate responses. 

 

The conversation about discomfort eventually led to a broader discussion on the concept of freedom, particularly individual freedom. Goldner pointed out that while many interpret freedom as the right to say whatever they want, whenever they want, without consequence, this interpretation is flawed. She questioned, “Does total freedom exist?” and emphasized that freedom is always paired with responsibility. This, she argued, is a core principle instilled in her from childhood: “Take responsibility for yourself, think of the consequences of your actions, and speech is an action.” From this perspective, Goldner suggested that when engaging in discussions about trans issues, or any sensitive topics, individuals should consider the impact of their words on others. She offered another example of a potentially uncomfortable conversation: the freedom of religion. Goldner acknowledged that she understands this concept to mean the right to worship in a safe space, but she expressed discomfort with the idea that religious views should be exempt from consequence in public discourse. She questioned the double standards that allow certain views to be labeled unacceptable when voiced by one group but deemed acceptable when propagated by another, especially when it comes to the treatment of transgender people. 

 

Goldner then turned her attention to the specifics of the trans conversation, noting that discussions around sex and gender can elicit intense feelings because of deeply held beliefs and personal experiences. She shared a personal reflection on being misgendered, particularly when someone uses terms that do not align with her identity. Goldner highlighted that such terms - like “biological man” - are not only inaccurate but can be deeply harmful. She emphasized that, while it may not always be easy to respond without emotion, there are ways to engage in these conversations with empathy and clarity. She called out generalizations and stressed the importance of asserting one’s sense of self. In doing so, Goldner acknowledged that trans people, like all individuals, have the right to define themselves and that the imposition of external labels can be a violation of that self-definition. 

 

Moreover, Goldner called for empathy from those who may hold views opposite to her own, acknowledging that many cisgender women have also been victimized and that their feelings should be validated. However, she emphasized that when trans women are vilified as threats to cisgender women, it is essential to clarify that the perpetrators of violence are overwhelmingly cisgender men. This differentiation is crucial, as it allows for a more nuanced understanding of the dynamics at play, free from harmful generalizations about trans identities. Goldner also addressed the role of empathy in resolving these disagreements. She noted that empathy, sympathy, and compassion are most effective when they flow in both directions. “Ultimately, we’re not going to resolve differences or end up agreeing to disagree,” she observed, before humorously adding, “I have the right, in the words of a six o'clock game show, to say, no deal.” 

 

The lecture took a critical turn when Goldner discussed the role of the media and politicians in shaping the discourse around trans issues. She pointed out that elements of the media often thrive on extreme, binary stances that generate strong emotions and provoke conflict. These tactics, she argued, serve the media’s financial interests but do little to resolve debates or foster understanding. Goldner called on allies to stand up against this trend and hold the media accountable for promoting fear and division. She also criticized politicians who, in pursuit of cheap headlines or distractions from other issues, exploit fear of trans people. She called on allies to stand firm against such tactics and, more importantly, to advocate for trans people with empathy and respect. 

 

Goldner then explored a particularly uncomfortable topic: lateral violence within queer communities. She explained the concept of lateral violence, which refers to displaced violence directed at marginalized individuals within the same group, rather than at the dominant oppressors. In the context of the LGBTQIA+ community, Goldner discussed how some elements of the gay and lesbian communities, particularly those with influence, have historically focused on assimilation - striving to achieve equality by mirroring heterosexual norms. She explained that this approach, while it helped some groups, has left behind other marginalized groups such as trans people, bisexual individuals, intersex people, and asexual people. Goldner critiqued the excessive focus on marriage equality, particularly during the 2017 postal survey in Australia, arguing that it ignored the needs of trans people and others who felt sidelined by the middle-class, assimilationist approach taken by the Yes campaign. She lamented that this focus on a singular issue allowed space for more extreme views to take hold and cautioned against the dangers of extremism, noting that “if you give extremism a millimetre, it will take an earth’s circumference.” 

 

Goldner concluded her talk by addressing the importance of leadership within both the queer community and society at large. She acknowledged that societal notions of leadership often glorify masculine traits such as assertiveness and dominance, which may not be suitable in vulnerable community settings. She stressed the need for balanced leadership, which involves qualities like listening, empathy, and humility - qualities that are often undervalued but essential for effective and compassionate leadership. This notion of listening was a central theme in Goldner’s talk. She pointed out that structured training in listening skills is rare, even though listening is fundamental to communication. Without the ability to listen, she argued, people are unable to address the biases and emotional blocks that hinder productive conversations. 

 

To tie it all together, Goldner shared her personal philosophy of kindness, which guides her actions and interactions. She asked herself daily, “Is everything that I’m doing, both what I’m doing and how I’m doing it, coming from a place of kindness?” She emphasized that kindness is not just an external act but an internal one, encouraging people to be kind not only to others but also to themselves. Goldner suggested that by cultivating more kindness, individuals could create more spaces in which everyone, including trans people, could find their “comfy chairs” and feel validated and supported. Goldner's lecture left the audience with much to reflect on, offering a rich exploration of the discomforts and challenges faced by trans people and others within marginalized communities. Her call for empathy, responsibility, and better communication serves as a powerful reminder of the work that lies ahead in building a more inclusive and compassionate society.

 

via: youtube

Image credits: YouTube

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