Why Can’t I Be Me? Around You

Director: Harrod Blank and Sjoerd Dijk
Release Year: 2019

"Why Can’t I Be Me? Around You" (2019), directed by Harrod Blank and Sjoerd Dijk, is a deeply introspective documentary that delves into the journey of Rusty Tidenberg, an auto mechanic from Albuquerque, New Mexico, who navigates the complexities of coming out as a trans woman. This emotionally resonant film captures Rusty’s eight-year-long journey toward self-acceptance in a world that is still grappling with its understanding of gender. 

 

Harrod Blank, the son of the renowned filmmaker Les Blank, is known for his work on the art-car scene, which plays an integral part in this documentary as well. Through Rusty’s story, Blank weaves a broader narrative about the struggle to define one's identity in a society that often resists change, particularly when it comes to gender identity. The story centers on Rusty, a mechanic and drag-racing enthusiast, who shakes the foundations of her family and community by coming out as trans. Her journey is not one of smooth acceptance. Despite the gradual shift in attitudes within her tight-knit community in the American Southwest, Rusty still faces many hurdles, both in her personal and professional life. The film chronicles her struggle to find her place in a world that seems to have limited space for a trans person who doesn't always fit the traditional mold. Blank’s film shows Rusty trying to reconcile her feminine gender identity with her masculine interests, navigating the nuances of sexual and gender identity, and seeking a community where she can feel both seen and valued. Blank's approach to Rusty’s story is not just a standard documentary format but rather a deeply personal exploration that mirrors Rusty’s own quest for self-definition. 

 

The film is structured as a character study, allowing Rusty’s personality and experiences to unfold organically. The documentary explores Rusty’s life from various angles - whether it’s her work as a mechanic in a custom-built auto shop, her participation in the art-car scene, or her interactions with the people who are closest to her. The camera often captures her in environments that reflect her complex identity, from the dusty New Mexico desert to the vibrant world of custom vehicles and drag races. The rawness of these settings creates an intimate atmosphere, allowing viewers to step directly into Rusty’s world. What makes "Why Can’t I Be Me? Around You" so compelling is that it doesn’t merely focus on Rusty’s transition as a singular moment in time but explores it as a multifaceted journey. The film gives voice to her internal struggle as she tries to define her gender identity in a world that has yet to fully embrace the fluidity of gender. Rusty’s understanding of herself is in constant flux, as she struggles to find the language to communicate her experience to others. She knows she is trans but is still working to express exactly what that means. The film highlights her conversations with medical professionals, psychologists, and other trans individuals as she navigates the gender spectrum and attempts to find the language that resonates with her own experience. 

 

One of the documentary’s key elements is its portrayal of Rusty’s relationships. Her father, a conservative man who refuses to acknowledge her gender identity, is a particularly difficult figure in her life. Despite Rusty’s significant personal growth, her father remains unsupportive, and his rejection of her leads to deep emotional conflict. This dynamic is further complicated by Rusty’s role as the manager of the family-owned trailer park and the body shop. Her father not only refuses to accept her gender identity, but he also retaliates by lowering her pay when she undergoes breast augmentation surgery. These actions demonstrate the painful reality that trans individuals often face rejection from their closest family members, a theme that the documentary poignantly explores. Rusty’s yearning for her father’s approval is a constant emotional undercurrent, adding complexity to her journey of self-discovery. Another poignant aspect of the film is Rusty’s struggle with romantic relationships. She is attracted to women, yet her experiences with them are often fraught with complications. Despite her deep desires, she is frequently “friend-zoned,” which contributes to her feelings of loneliness and isolation. These moments of unrequited affection are painful to watch, yet they are central to understanding the emotional toll that comes with being a trans person in search of love and connection. Rusty’s vulnerabilities, both emotional and romantic, are laid bare, and it is impossible not to empathize with her struggles. Rusty’s journey is also one of artistic self-expression. She is not only a mechanic and inventor, but she is also a performer. 

 

One of the most captivating elements of the film is her one-woman show, in which she shares her experiences as a trans person and her longing for acceptance. These performances are electrifying, showcasing her ability to captivate an audience with her charisma and exuberance. The title of the film, which comes from one of her poems, captures the essence of Rusty’s desire to be unapologetically herself, a sentiment that resonates throughout the film. Despite the occasional narrative shifts, especially with Blank’s off-camera presence, the documentary remains a compelling exploration of Rusty’s journey. At times, it seems like Blank, as the filmmaker, is also attempting to understand Rusty as she works to understand herself. This dynamic is evident in the way the film sometimes shifts focus toward Blank’s perspective, with his interview questions and voiceover narration. While this could have been distracting, it adds layers to the documentary, suggesting that understanding another person’s experience is just as much about the filmmaker’s own journey of empathy and growth. 

 

Ultimately, "Why Can’t I Be Me? Around You" is a powerful meditation on the complexities of gender identity and the ongoing struggle for acceptance. The documentary is a poignant reminder that identity is not a static thing; it is a journey, full of missteps, moments of clarity, and the search for validation. For trans individuals, the quest to be seen and understood is often fraught with obstacles, from family rejection to societal misconceptions. But the film also offers hope, highlighting the importance of self-expression, the courage to embrace one's truth, and the desire to be loved and accepted for who we truly are. Rusty’s story is one of resilience, self-discovery, and the relentless pursuit of authenticity in a world that too often demands conformity.

 

via: youtube

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Image credits: YouTube